Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.