Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
this has done me in for some reason
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Sing it!