Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.