I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
every single time
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF