*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
This raises questions
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.