I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body