Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”