Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
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I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’M CRYINGGG
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor