So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
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Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.