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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently