Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
You Might Also Like
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.