Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven