Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
You Might Also Like
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”