A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.