Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
🚲+physics = winner
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
🍛
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this