Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.