Is this the real life?
Is this just
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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
*limbos away from your hug*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
The honesty is refreshing
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks