me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
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Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
the composer
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana