I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.