The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse