What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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fun fact: nike is short for nichael
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Happy Thanksgiving
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Investing in beetcoin
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.