basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH