Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”