I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya