Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Going to church you guys need anything
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Lmbo
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.