(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks