Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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(yawn)
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
this is so top tier i cant
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳