so much to do
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When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
#StillHurts
Catering service
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
i love meeting boys on tinder
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”