It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
PLOT TWIST:
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.