Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: