My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The struggle is real
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I’m awake but I object,
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.