How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.