Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
knights of the ikea table
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.