I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
we’re dead?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.