I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.