I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?