let’s discuss
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.