Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”