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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir