*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀