Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
i think both sides are to blame here
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
happy friday
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Holy shit he’s back
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?