For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.