[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
fixed it
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
This was my dad’s browser history.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.