Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
That took me a moment.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
This was my dad’s browser history.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No