“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.