A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Vodka burrito was a success
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.