11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila