If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for