[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!