this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
i did the math
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?